Wanting to know “Why” is so innate to our nature as humans that hearing that question ad nauseam becomes a meme of what it’s like to live with children. They’re always asking why (and good for them, really); it’s in our nature to want to understand the world around us, and even more so to connect with the people in it.
“Why” seems like a great question. On a first date, in a new friendship, and in my world, in a documentary interview, where you’re really trying to get at the center of a thing. What better follow-up when someone says “I’m most at peace in my car,” or “I’ve always been deeply committed to my faith,” or “For the last week I’ve had trouble sleeping.”
We like “Why.” We’re often proud of ourselves for catching the opening, for wanting to go deeper.
BUT DON’T DO IT. Or, more precisely and a little less harshly, try delaying it just a liiiiitle longer. Why, you may ask? (And here, I will allow it).
Because when you ask Why too soon, you’re putting an end to curiosity. At the very moment you ask, they’ll try to answer, like a good interviewee will. But all they’ll have to offer in that moment is their current, self-generated understanding of the question. Nothing new. Nothing they hadn’t already made sense of before you walked in. It may look something like this:
Them: “I’m most at peace in my car.”
You: “Why is that, do you think?”
Them: “Because it’s quiet. I live with four people. It’s my only ‘me-space.’”
Fine. Not a bad answer. Will totally work in the edit. But it misses something important: interviews aren’t just spaces where someone asks questions and someone answers. They can be spaces where people actually learn something about themselves.
So instead of rushing toward Why, here’s what I do. I try a few more Who / What / Where / When / How questions first. This is something Dr. Angus Fletcher explores in his book Primal Intelligence. “We all want to get to Why, but the fastest way to miss it is to ask it,” a Special Operations source tells him, when he dives into what makes for truly exceptional information-gathering. I’ve found this to be true in the interview room, and honestly, anywhere you’re genuinely trying to know someone. Here are some alts:
How often do you find yourself alone in the car? When do you feel most in need of that time? What’s your favorite car memory? What do you think about while you’re in there? Do you drive around or just park and sit? What changes for you after a good car-sesh?
Don’t launch into a full blown interrogation, just a few questions that you’re genuinely curious to know more about. These are the questions they likely haven’t been asked before. As you ask, and more importantly, as you listen, new stuff emerges. They may stumble. They may need a moment. That’s fine. Not every moment on camera is for the audience.
Maybe they end up telling you about a solo road trip where they got the idea that changed everything for their business. Maybe they say they once sat in the driveway for twenty minutes after getting back from a hard day, just to have a few more minutes alone with their thoughts before going inside. Maybe you start to sense, over their various answers, that it’s about alone time, yes, but also about being able to listen to themselves differently.
That’s when you can offer something back. “Do you think your car is one of the places where you can actually hear yourself?”
And then, finally (maybe)...
You: “So why do you think your car has been such a meaningful place for you?”
Them: “I think it’s the one place where I can check in with myself. What I’m doing. Where I’m going. I guess it’s a safe space to make sure I’m living in alignment with myself.”
Not a much longer answer. But truer. Or at least richer than where you started.
You can call this mirroring, or offering, or reframing. Whatever you call it, something was generated in that exchange that wasn’t there before you arrived. At its best, that’s what this work does: it helps someone learn something about themselves, or feel seen more deeply. And in an interview context, it’s a gift to get something genuinely new from someone who’s maybe been asked about themselves many times before.
I talk about this more in the video. Go watch it if you want the longer version. But the short one is this: Delay the Why. See what else comes first. You may find yourself someplace new with someone.
